What once was Zeus’s curse on mankind, today Pandora’s Box means a process that once begun, generates many complicated problems or a box that contains everything one wants to forget.
Going back to 2013, I sat in a room, lost, sad and feeling quite pointless. I knew I had accomplished much, yet there was a growing emptiness, which had always resided within me, I could no longer push aside. My life at that point was safe, steady, secure, stable and that meant my guards were slowly dropping and it was time to start processing all I had denied and avoided. I spent my days doing things, and nights trying to hush up memories and thoughts. I slept little, did a lot and became quite distant and withdrawn. Something had to budge. I had to stop, consciously think, process and feel. I saw myself as someone who doesn’t feel or have the emotional capacity to cry. I remember sitting in that room saying I can’t feel anything, and then going to the library, finding Chicken Soup for the Soul, so I could make myself cry, just like Chandler Bing did in Friends. The floodgates opened up for him but for me it didn’t work. I couldn’t connect to any story, simply because I wasn’t telling my own. I see it now, as an amusing story of the beginnings of finding myself. But back then it was me desperately trying to feel, to connect to myself.
In that room I opened Pandora’s Box, or my box. Memories came pouring out and I was drowning. What kept me going was my therapist, she was right there with me and she witnessed the horror. She saw me make it to shore, lay down, and cry tears of silence and peace. It was so unknown, peace and silence, they actually existed within me. A sense of standing on steady ground rather than a rocky boat. I mean it’s not a constant feeling, sometimes I get pulled back in to the waves, but now I know, hearing myself is me swimming back out. That is what therapy was for me, still is for me.
Soon after, I decided to train as a Counsellor and now I’m here, and I love what I do. I feel fulfilled. I write a lot, everywhere, anytime and I feel. One of the biggest asset, a way of connecting to myself and others is being emotionally available and present. So, opening Pandora’s Box generated many complicated problems, it also made me real, not hidden. Being authentic became a choice and writing became a way to breathe.
On a side note and this is news to me, but Pandora’s Box was actually a Jar???